Learning the act of forgiveness

The past weeks, life has been tough on me.

I missed some events, lost a job, hated my “boss” that I think will last for the rest of my life, almost run out of cash, lost confidence to myself, cried and almost gave up. I know a part of everything that happened to me was my fault. I was so at ease that I thought I can handle everything. Then I lost control. I just can’t bear the fact that I have to cheat and do not put quality on what I was doing in my work then, when it’s something needed in my task. I started writing then, because it’s the only thing I know that’s right thing I can do after working in the office. I stopped writing because I can’t bear the fact that I was despised for not kissing some ass. I knew I have to fight for something, but I was just kicked in the butt after being vocal, for not accepting their ways of managing people and telling them that what they were doing was wrong. That crushed my pride. No one has done that to me…and that made me really frustrated.

On the time of my despair, I cried to my friends…I cried to the guy who always listen to me as I rant every day, telling him that I don’t like to compromise what I should be doing just to please people who barely understand the meaning of the words quality, integrity and work ethics. Every single day of my life then was hell…work was hell for me. When the time where they decided to be out of their lives, I know I should be happy, but what they have done was still unacceptable. No due process happened, just like that…I was stepping out of the office just like that. Then I told myself, I’ll get back on them. I will give justice on what they have done on me. I will make them pay for what they have done to me.

Several weeks after, I got some time to think of everything, what my then boss has done to me, and if I really want to put justice on what they did. I know I will be a coward for backing up and not telling our government of their unjust way of managing their people. Yet, on the other hand, I realized, what I really want was revenge. After some time of talking with some lawyers, friends and other office mates who had full support on me, I know for myself that revenge was something I don’t want to do. 

After learning that there were several of my office mates did already file a case against “her”, I was like “If I do the same thing, what’s in it for me?”. I know for myself the answer: MONEY! However, there’s more than money that I want to get from it, probably get my pride back? Seriously, I don’t know. All I knew that time was I was hurt, my pride was badly hurt and that I want to take revenge on them. But, do I really want them to lose their job and have the chance of not getting employed again? The same thing they have done on me? If I do that, will it make me better than them? or will I be just like them? Then, my nights are restless. So, I prayed.

I know, more than my wallet, my pride and ego was hurt. Right in the middle. Then, I realized, maybe it’s just a way of God teaching me how to be grounded…again. I sure do not want to be like them, so putting everything in court will not make any difference. It will be  just a cycle of pain and revenge between me and the people involved. I told myself, people may call you a coward for not filing the case, but I know I’ve been brave enough for telling in my “boss” face that what they were doing was wrong. I thought about it for a while, and I made a decision, I will leave everything to HIM. That was the thing I didn’t do for quite some time, trust HIM. Now, I just smile and said, “She’s all yours”

Almost two months had past, and I’ve been pretty particular with the company to work for. Money does matter, but integrity, team work, respect and values are priceless. I now have a new job as an IT Analyst. Pretty new and challenging for me. I must admit that I’ve been busy with venturing to another place to find my niche, so I forgot how was it to be angry at my “ex-boss”. I started putting some more activities in my calendar, like having a photo walk with my guy, meeting people I haven’t seen for a while and watching movies or TV series with my friends in my humble place. I let HIM take care of my anger and pain, as I move on with my life. That’s how I learned what forgiveness really is.

Sometimes, It’s never enough to say “I forgive you”, I learned that I really have to do something about it. There are more important things than pampering the pain in the heart. There are people in my life who keeps on showing me how valuable I am, no matter how f*cked up my life is. There are wonderful sights to see, and places to be. So why stay mad at them? Probably, my subconscious had forgiven the person who made me cry. Maybe, other than carrying burden in my heart, I know that the best revenge is be happy and show those people, that no matter how much pain they put on me, my heart is light enough to show genuine smile to every one, and embrace every sunshine in the morning. After weeks of anguish, I must say, I am better now.

 

 

 

 

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