That night when I heard you, I ran towards your direction, with the sweetest smile on my face. I miss this; I miss us.
You said, now you have no one. Your wife left you and that your only son despises you for being a father who he never thought you’ll be. I saw despair in your face and tears lurking in your eyes. I heard pain thumping from your chest and badly want to curse HIM for taking everything away from you. I saw scars that are badly bleeding again; you’re hurt on the same spot.
I did my very best to comfort you, for you to realize you’re not alone and that no matter how ugly those pain may cause you, I’m here to heal them and treat you well. I was this close on holding you in my arms, but I decided not to move a finger and just relieved your pain with the most beautiful words I can think of. It helped…because I saw that smile in your eyes again. Then you said you’re happy I’m beside you because I’m the only person who understands your agony, the only one whom you can share your pain with. You said I’m different from the other friends you have. We reminisced the best and worst four years of our lives together. It was indeed one of the best times we had.
We called it a night with a smile in our face and a beam in my heart.
You called me the night few days after we had a talked, sharing me your gloomy tale. This time it’s different. You had a smile in your face. I never saw your genuine smile for a long time. It scared me. I run towards your direction with a sweet smile on my face, though at the back of my mind i was like “what if they are together again?”, “what if he said he and his family have to leave somewhere far and I’ll never get to see him?”, “what if???…”.
You looked straight into my eyes and whispered something to me. My world stopped when you said…”I no longer love her…because I’m liking someone, though I’m not brave enough to tell it…”. My heart started to beat really fast and it feels like I’m running out of air that it’s so difficult to breathe. “Could this be it? Did HE finally listened and answered my prayers? Could he really be…Could it really be….Is it for real?”.
It was the longest night of my life with you. I never thought it will end that way. Then again, I just
I had tears in my eyes for few nights after we talked. But you’re insensitive enough of my pain. I said to myself over and over…”why not me?? Why can’t I be the biggest mistake of your life??”. It was the most dreaded part of my life and you’re not there to comfort me, simply because you never see me desperately weep and I didn’t allow you to see me that way, thinking you will feel my pain like I feel yours. I loved you but you never see that. Just so you know, you’re selfish as I am. You also took me for granted the way your wife treated you, because I also learned that you really never treat me as a real friend, not even as a confidante…I’m just someone you want to talk to simply because you know I will not criticize you the way other people will; I only realized that when you started calling someone “best” then later on called her “bebs”, and confessed to me that she’s the only one you have and trusted all these time. You made me feel like a doormat; the worst feeling someone will get from the person they value as much as their life.
I heard it again after few weeks. I looked at your direction and saw you heading my way. You smiled at me and I smiled back. I looked deep into your eyes, and simply said “Sorry…my name is not Hey”, then walked away with the sweetest smile on my face.
That’s one good thing I’ve done for myself and it may hurt that much to moving on without you in my life, but I know I deserve better than be called “Hey”.
Reposting from my personal blog; Tuesday, August 16, 2011